Saturday, February 18, 2012

Is That Boo Radley Hiding Behind My Door?

Let me put your mind at ease right from the start -- no. No, it was not. No sense in stretching out the drama for no reason.

Because -- equally frightening -- it was me. Or to be more precise, it was the reflection of me that I glimpsed in the mirror on my door:  the horrifying sight of myself,  in full, glorious, total deconstruction after completing a long run.

Some women look gorgeous in their running regalia. They have daintily feminine, tight little racer-back tops paired with vibrant capris, color-coordinated wicking socks, and gorgeous, to-die-for multicolored running shoes. They have their perfectly pony-tailed, long, flowing, Rapunzel-like blonde locks (they're always blonde, aren't they? --insert jealous smirk here--), and their adorable matching Bondi-bands, and they almost prance across those finish lines, feet barely touching the tarmac.
I, on the other hand, look like some stumbling nightmare Tim Burton hallucinated while coming down after a weekend of meth- and bourbon-bingeing and kinky sex with prostitutes. First off, usually when I run, I wear black. Obviously, it's the most slimming choice :) but even better than that, it hides the humongous sweat circles -- no, I can't even call them circles, they are sweat galaxies -- that are pouring in a deluge off my lumpy body. Did I mention I am a very pale person? Black is not the most fetching hue on albino-like people. So already I look like one of the Walking Dead before I even go on a run.
                                                                           
                                                                            Here
Next, the challenge of my hair. I have worn my hair short for decades and just last year caved to the pleas of my youngest son who wore me down with his constant begging for me to "just grow it out and let me see what it looks like long, Mom." He said he had never seen me with long hair. Not true. I have shown him photos of me in high school, after swearing him to secrecy and threatening I would boot him out of the will if he ever breathed a word of them to anyone. My suspicion is he has this idea that if only my hair were long, I would look like the mothers of his friends, who are all petite blondes with large breasts who formerly worked at Victoria's Secret and are a good quarter-century younger than I. It's heart-breaking, I know.
                                                                           
But back to the hair. Red hair, not really flaming, but bright enough out under that merciless, God-forsaken, galaxy-sweat-inducing sun and when I've let it fade longer than the recommended 4-6 weeks, which is most of the time because do we really need to spend $160 to get our hair dyed? But that's the subject of another blog, I am sure. The hair. The hair is the thing. So, anyway, I have been letting this red shade of hair grow out for a while and now I have it in a sort of chin-length bob. Not a bad look when I'm all cleaned up, but definitely sort of Carol-Burnett-playing-Norma-Desmond when I'm in the midst of my plague (read my first blog post) or during/after a run.
                                                                           
So, the other day, I was at the end of a long run, and I shambled upon a neighbor I had not seen in a while, with his two young children in tow. The girl looked at me in absolute HORROR. She actually turned her body away from me -- can you imagine?? THAT is how much she could not bear the sight of me! Ok, I knew I looked bad, but do people not teach their children manners anymore? Do they not instill  that when you see a 53-year-old woman who has run many, many, many, many miles (at least two) in the broiling 43-degree heat, it is not polite to involuntarily curl your lip in disgust? Gimme a break, I knew  I looked horrible! It was misty out too, which was definitely NOT my fault. My hair is fairly curly, which I fight every day to tame into that dang Desmond bob and when damp (either from sweat or rain-- so take your pick, it is always damp when I run), and I am wearing my Nike headband with the rubber grips to keep that &%$@ sweat out of my eyes (which I had surgically improved -- yeah, yeah, fodder for another blog post)-- my hair starts to poke up in little spikes all over my head. Not attractive, cool, punk-rock kind of spikes -- noooOOOoooo, God forbid I look cool -- it forms these awkward, lumpy (yes, I know I already used that word earlier in describing my body), alien little masses all over my head.
And my face was a bright, mottled red that I can only compare to our English bulldog Boudreaux's flubber when I take him to the vet and he gets overexcited and starts hyperventilating.
                                                                             
So you can see why perhaps I was a little startled and mistook my reflection as Boo Radley hiding behind my door.
My husband disagreed with me, however. "I don't think you look like Boo Radley at all. You look more like Michael Keaton in  Beetlejuice."
His bad luck -- he can't outrun me.
                                                                         

30 comments:

  1. Ha! Don't be so down on yourself mama. You'll betray the family motto! ;)

    I have to say, I have passed many of those gorgeous people jogging their way around Boston, looking effortlessly flawless as they lap me for the 5th time. But whatever - I figure it's not my job to be pretty when I run. If I look like a wild-haired red-faced wheezing maniac when I'm done, so be it. My heart looks awesome!

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    1. awww, i love you two soooo much! i love your red haired crazy looking selves! haha... i mean heck i dyed my hair red for how long because y'all looked so good! :) I also know those runners and i wanna slap some frizz in their hair and blotchy red spots on their face and sweat on their brow, but not everyone can look as hard working as we do ;) and i look that way without even running ha!

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    2. Lol!! You are a gorgeous girl and we adore you!

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  2. oh my word HOW FUNNY!!!!!! rofl GREAT WRITING friend!!!!!

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  3. Thank you both! Please pass on my blog to your friends too, and post on your fb pages for me...I appreciate all the help I can get in spreading the word...

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  4. Oh my! I so needed that laugh today!

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    1. Come back often! Hope to have more posted soon!

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    2. Pretty hysterical Patsy! Love the visuals.

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    3. Thanks Suz! Appreciate you stopping by!

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  5. you named your dog Boudreaux? ahahahha! And I love the pics! You crack me up! Sweat galaxies?! Love it!

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    1. Nickname: "Boodie" And the pics are pretty true to life... :)

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  6. Now this is awesome! You are amazing! Keep it up!

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  7. Oh, and YES, I did click on the Victoria Secret angel! Thanks for not writing all over this one! :)

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  8. Al, ya kill me!!!! (And thanks for the encouragement. I can't promise a VS angel in EVERY blog post, but I'll try to throw you a bone every now and then.)

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  9. Well... HEY BOO! Incredible! One of my all time favorite movies that I will not be able to ever watch again without wondering if Patsy is behind the door. BTW, I watched The Exorcist last month and thought about you. No, that didn't sound right. What I meant was I thought about you telling me that when you were a kid that you had the dreaded attic door in your room, and you heard sounds. Or something. Anyway, I thought of you :^) I love the blog and will publish it's wonders far and wide - at least on FB. Happy running!

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  10. Yes, let's clarify, lol!! I still can't watch that movie, or any of the ones that recently have come out about exorcisms. Too creepy! Now Boo Radley, he's my kind of scary guy!! Anyway, thanks for the compliment and spreading the word for me!! SO GLAD we have reconnected!!

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  11. Patsy, you are awesome and beautiful! And i would never turn away in disgust, i learned my manners hehe. jk

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  12. Hahaha! And I know your mama, she definitely taught y'all manners!

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  13. Thank you Monika. Hope you stick around for more!!

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  14. That was one great post! I can totally relate, and I secretly can't stand those women runners who look all lovely and svelte after a run. I look sweaty and red, and my glasses are all steamed up.

    I loved your post so much I'm going to have to add your blog to my blog list!

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  15. I'm glad you found me -- thanks for adding me! I don't wear glasses while running, but do to read, so I can really relate to the foggy glasses while I'm gasping on the bed trying to read after the treadmill experience. And my tomato face....it's so embarrassing that none of my race pictures show a glam mom -- I'm the one that's neon red with her tongue hanging out, lol!!

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  16. This is hysterical!!!!

    Like you, I am not a looker when I work out. I hate those gals at the gym that wear their amazing outfits and don't break a sweat. I sweat WORSE THAN A MAN when I so much as walk on the treadmill, and I need a complete hose down when I'm done.

    So I get it.

    Thanks so much for linking up today!

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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    1. Thanks so much, Dani! Yes, recently I was running 6 miles, and I'll admit, it was a little warm and humid out, but by the end of my run, people were actually STARING at me. When I got to my car, I saw why. I took a picture, but even I have my limits -- I couldn't publish it. Oh well, at least I'm healthy, lol!! Happy New Year to you too! :)

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  17. THIS is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. Maybe because as a fellow "long distance runner" (hey, I did a 5k on Saturday... walking... but STILL) I know EXACTLY the look you are talking about. And I am cursed with a lifetime of those "baby hairs" that will never actually reach your pony tail no matter how many gallons of hairspray...

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  18. Hey Lynsey,walking a 5k is nothing to sneeze at either! I grew my hair out a little longer at one point so I could put it in a little nub of a pony tail but I think that was even worse. Then I just had this wet-look, slicked back seal look...not attractive either. Oh well, one day I will hit on the right headband and hat combo! ;) In the meantime, I will continue to frighten small animals. lol!

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  19. This is HYSTERICAL. I love you. Please don't stop writing this blog. Ever. If you do, please email me on a regular basis, so that I can laugh at all of these awesome references that I can so totally relate to!

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  20. Holly, I will never stop writing if you promise you will always make these awesome, ego-enlarging posts! :D Thanks so much for stopping by and reading.

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